ALT-6 Best Excuses for Calling in Sick
The alarm goes off in the pre-dawn darkness and you just don't want to go to work. The possibility of a day on the boat might have you down the stairs and out the door in an instant, as would an afternoon on the links, or one by the beach, but the thought of staring at your sheep eyed coworkers is leaving you a bit cold. Putting your hand to your forehead, you try convincing yourself you're really ill. Not deathly ill, just sick enough to warrant staying in bed for the rest of the morning but well enough to get up by noon, two oclock if there is someone nice enough to bring you ice cream. Unfeeling nature is not cooperating this morning; there's nothing physically wrong with you, but you're determined. Born of resourcefulness and elevated to a fine art form, you formulate, the perfect excuse for calling in sick.
THINGS TO AVOID
Avoid playing the dead relative card unless someone actually died, recently. There's always some happy, do-gooder at human resources that wants to send a flower or a card, and that's tough to do if Aunt Toomey died four years ago, assuming she existed at all.
Recognize you have no acting abilities or you would be in that field. You are not auditioning for a soap opera so the wheezing, gasping, "Boss, I can't come in," is wasted on the unappreciative. Some truly, evil minded employers have even been known to replay these performances to the amusement of coworkers.
Likewise, be careful of getting too graphic about what is wrong with you. Use a word like gastrointestinal or adipose tissue and the next thing you know, HR is scheduling a colonoscopy or sending you off to have some part of your anatomy squashed between two glass plates. Similarly, use caution when inventing suffering from well known chronic diseases such as Fibromyalgia or Crohn's. Far too much research is required to be convincing. Even if you are successful, employers will want to know why you aren't actually being treated for these debilitating conditions.
Never, ever, admit you're hung over, even when you are. This kind of disclosure is a one way ticket to the temperance lecture
PREPARE IN ADVANCE
Like any great undertaking, planning is critical. Keep a running database of ill coworkers and their symptoms. While relational database software is useful in this regard, even simple spreadsheets can be used to compile symptoms, lengths of illness, and dates of onset. Carefully recording someone hacking up a lung in the next cubicle can be used to your advantage, note any mention of fever or frequent trips to the bathroom. Interviewing recovering associates can yield a gold mine of information. Just don't touch anything they've touched and wash your hands for at least twenty seconds with a good antibacterial soap after you've spoken with them. You don't want to catch whatever they had. Remember that illnesses have a "shelf life", you have approximately two weeks from the last time anyone called in sick to use that excuse and not be questioned.
Become familiar with at least two extreme sports and make sure coworkers and employers know of your participation in at least one of them. Subtly is the key here. You don't want to participate in any of these sports, in fact you probably shouldn't unless you're interested in experiencing how the Family Medical Leave Act really works. Just a few well chosen comments to let your coworkers know you occasionally walk on the wild side. Mountain biking, horseback riding, climbing, and snow boarding all have relatively high injury rates and are good sources when you need a spontaneous days off. They all carry an almost guaranteed risk of twisted ankles, broken fingers and toes, and back injuries. A word of caution however, be absolutely sure no one shares your make believe passion for extreme sports, especially your boss, otherwise you may be demonstrating it.
Even some not so extreme sports and activities carry the opportunity for the odd day off. Sore backs and knees are common gardening complaints so mention from time to time your trips to the local nursery or gardening center. While illness due to these type of activities generally go unquestioned, use these excuses sparingly as they do not satisfy your need for flair and artistry in deceit.
ATTENTION TO DETAILS
The old adage that less is more applies with calling in sick. Give just enough symptoms to prevent any discussion or follow up calls but not so many that well meaning coworkers make a trip to your house. Repeating a few symptoms that a sick coworker had and you're good for the day, maybe the next. Repeating every symptom sounds like you're making this up.
AND THE AWARD GOES TO
Relaxing back against your pillows, you can reflect back on the results all your hard work, planning, and artistic creativity has yielded. It's a shame you can't infuse that same passion and talent into your real job, but that's not important. What is important is what flavor ice cream will be available when you wake up at two.
