ALT-3 Best Excuses for Calling in Sick
Its a Monday. As usual, you have a case of the "Monday's!" Unlike other times when you have somehow managed to muster up your strength and courage and get yourself into work, this particular Monday, its just not going to happen. Even thinking about having to throw on work clothes, shuffle begrudgingly down to your car, and get yourself into work, makes you wince and cringe. You have nada in terms of motivation, zilch in terms of determination, and zipo when it comes to getting your act together today. You shutter to even fathom yourself attempting to battle morning traffic to get yourself into work. You had a long weekend, perhaps partied a little too hearty, and to put it bluntly, you need a day all to yourself to lounge around in your pj's and eat bon bon's. Yes, work today is just about the last thing you want to do today. In fact, you'd be far better off watching paint dry or giving your goldfish a bath instead of doing the work thing.
Seeing as how the "giving my goldfish a bath" idea probably wouldn't fly with the boss, you sit back, head pressed against your couch, puzzling with your puzzler, trying to come up with a good excuse for calling out sick today. You've already used the headache idea one time too many this year and the flu season has long since passed. You could always give the head-cold or migraine excuse a whirl but that might sound a little pathetic or rehearsed. Would your boss know that you were simply not up to coming into work today? What if he asked you if you had seen your doctor or if he had prescribed something for you? What would you tell him then? Curses. This excuse is long since foiled even before you have attempted to use it. A broken leg wouldn't be a half bad idea but then again, you'd have to come in wearing a cast thereafter which would be a little difficult considering the fact that not a thing in the world is wrong with your leg. Your forehead wrinkles in deep thought. You simply have to come up with an excuse that will sound valid and that will not inspire your boss to ask you any questions whatsoever so that you can't get yourself caught fabricating!
Suddenly, one of those big yellow light bulbs illuminates next to your head. An idea begins to emerge. You are female, right? Your boss is a man. You've worked for him for five years so you have somewhat of a rapore with him. Now, he's a rather slippery guy and as his employee, you know you have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on him. What is the single ailment that perhaps no man wants to talk to a woman about? Her period! The corners of your mouth begin to roll up with evil anticipation and somewhere in your heart of hearts, you can't help but feel like you are about as clever as The Grinch Who Stole Christmas! You have somehow managed to throw a little feminine creativity in with some hard core underhandedness and right about now, you are perfectly delighted with yourself! Now that you are thinking about it, you can even reconcile it in your own mind as being fair retribution for a less than attractive salary and a pitiful bonus given out at the holidays.
In stealth mode, you mosey on over to your telephone and slowly, but surely dial your boss's telephone number. In your most snuffly voice, you tell him that you aren't feeling so well and that you are going to have to utilize one of your sick days. As you expect, he questions you as to what is bothering you and before waiting to hear your answer, he proceeds to inquire about if you have been to a doctor. He then proceeds to bark about how you should probably have a doctor's note if you are going to miss time from work. Without pausing to take a breath, he proceeds to tell you how many things need to get done at the office this week and what a terrible time it is to call out. Then, finally - he pauses. You draw in a long, deep breath. "Mr. Smith. I am sorry. I just awoke this morning with severe cramping in my lower abdominal cavity and its a little personal but I know I owe you an explanation. Its a little gory but let me go into the details for you so you understand. See...." Your sentence is abruptly interrupted with your boss telling you to just take care of yourself and get all better. Even better than that, he tells you to get your rest, and if you don't make it in tomorrow or the rest of the week, he'll fully understand. With that, he tells you he has someone calling on his other line and has to go. Before you know it, the very call you usually dread making is over! So the female problem thing really does work on men!
For the duration of that week you spend time pampering yourself. You enjoy long drawn out baths by candlelight, a manicure, pedicure, and even an afternoon at the spa. The best part about it? Eventhough you have technically used your sick days from work already this year, you are shocked to see your regular pay check has been deposited into your bank account. Did your boss have a sudden change of heart? He's the stingiest guy you know. Surely, he would never pay you a dime for unworked time at the office! Perhaps you ought to give him a call and double check. Naaah. Why not live it up and maximize the potential of your relaxing week at home. If your boss did not intend to pay you, its his loss, and if he did, your best guess is that he didn't want to entertain the slightest thought about one of his coworkers having any sort of feminine problem whatsoever. Either way, you figure you have enjoyed a week on the house and are fully recharged and recouped enough to deal with the big bad old boss again next Monday!
