Resolve Conflict Communicate Communication Skills
Communication is how we form connections with other people, build relationships, convey ideas, and resolve conflict. Communication is the key to success in both our personal and our professional lives. Poor communication leads to frustration and conflict, which left unresolved can stymie a person’s ability to achieve the personal and professional success he or she deserves.
When communication breaks down, the ensuing conflict can seem insurmountable. However, there are several tactics and strategies that can be employed to not only resolve conflict but build a better connection between people and ultimately improve relationships.
Stay focused
One common way for communications to go awry is to lose focus. As a discussion goes on, it encompasses more and more. Soon each of the people involved is talking about something entirely different and neither is hearing the other. Two completely different conversations are going on. Remember what conflict arises what the issue is and attempt to stick to it. Often the other party will bring up an unrelated issue – either in an attempt to deflect a difficult conversation or because he or she has a legitimate need to talk about a different matter. What that happens, acknowledge that it’s something that needs to be addressed (even if you don’t agree) and commit to discussing it – once the current issue has been resolved. Don’t give in to the temptation to leap onto the new topic and defend yourself. If you do feel the need to change topics, state that the original topic still needs to be resolved but you feel it’s important to resolve the other person’s concern first. In other words, have one conversation at a time.
Don’t overgeneralize
If an event or action has affected or upset you, address that event or action. If someone kept you waiting, tell them how that occurrence affected you not how his or her "always being late" affects you. If you kept someone waiting and they are angry, explain honestly and emphatically what happened rather than defending yourself against "your constant criticism".
Listen carefully
Along the lines of staying focused, multitasking has no place in communication. Give the person who is speaking your full attention. Don’t let your attention drift to your surroundings, and more importantly don’t spend the time the other person is talking scripting how you will respond. It can be very difficult to hear something you disagree with (much less an attack or a criticism) and not immediately begin your response either by interrupting or by mentally checking out to plan your case. Try to abstain and listen to all of what your counterpart is saying. They may go on to say something that indicates you completely misunderstood what you started to take objection to.
Respond with empathy
Acknowledge the other person’s hardship. Continuing the example about punctuality used above and you are the one who was left waiting, don’t assume that the other person’s explanation is a groundless excuse. If you are the one who was late, don’t assume that the other person is making a tempest in a teapot. Do your best to understand what your actions have done to the other person, and if you’re unclear ask them to explain how they feel and why. Rhetorical questions aren’t productive here. Avoid "Don’t you think…" and "Didn’t you realize…" and use open ended questions (those that can’t be answered in a word or two) instead. It can be difficult to hear how you’ve affected someone, but progress and resolution will be impossible without understanding of the other person’s perspective. Likewise, learn to apologize once you understand.
It’s not about "you"
No one likes to hear criticism or feel attacked, so speak in terms of "I" and not "you". If your point is entirely about their behavior rather than what you have done and will do they will tune out and communication will cease. Assigning blame will resolve nothing, but taking ownership of what is yours will go very far in reaching a resolution. Likewise, don’t attempt to psychoanalyze the other person or ascribe intent to their actions. If you do, you will most likely be wrong… but worse you’ll lose credibility and respect.
Winning isn’t winning
Communication is about connection and common ground. It’s about shared experiences and improved understanding. If your goal is to win, you will lose. Remember that what’s important and decide if you’d rather be right or happy. The choice is yours.
Grow a pause button…and use it
It’s natural to want to lash back at a statement you think is unfair, untrue or unnecessary, but just as your mother always told you to count to ten when you get angry, you need to take time to center yourself in the midst of a challenging discussion. When trying to communicate – especially when trying to resolve a conflict – consider what you say. Reaction is often overreaction. Instead, consider your words and your point carefully before you respond.
Pace yourself
Watch your tone and the speed of your speech. Speaking too fast can be unclear, but more importantly can sound hot-headed and will not give you the time you need to think through what you’re trying to say. Speaking too slowly can sound condescending or uncertain.
Don’t give up
If you find yourself going around in circles, suggest a time out. Both you and the other person can use that time to cool off and re-consider what’s already been discussed. Often, heated discussions where communication has broken down take on a life of their own and the conversation becomes more important the point that’s being resolved. If you get to that point, suggest a time out – but also propose a time to come back to the conversation. Just walking away and leaving matters unresolved will not help in the long run. Express your confidence that the issue can be resolved and your eagerness to do so. Staying positive will gain you a lot of ground.
Ask for help
Sometimes poor communication gets so bad that it seems like two people aren’t even in the same discussion. No matter what you say, you feel misunderstood and nothing the other person says is right. That’s a good time to bring in an impartial third party. Choose wisely, because you don’t want anyone to feel ganged up on, but an unbiased observer can often translate between two people when things get really bad.
Be respectful
Whatever the topic, and no matter how adversarial it has become, keep your respect for the other person. There is no faster way to lose someone’s respect than to disrespect them. If you want to be heard and understood, you must treat everyone in the manner that you wish to be treated no matter how ludicrous their point may be. Sarcasm and personal attacks have no place in communication. Don’t offer unsolicited opinions, advice or instruction. Invite input from the other person and (sincerely) demonstrate that you’re interested in what they have to say. Then hear them out without interrupting.
Communication is probably one of the greatest challenges we face in both our personal and professional lives. As with so many things, within challenge lies opportunity – the opportunity to strengthen relationships and build connections with others.
