Being Left at the Altar
"Humiliation" is the word that comes to mind when, in front of all your family and friends, you find yourself left at the altar by the one person you should be able to trust. It's a horrible situation and one no bride every wants to find themselves in. It hurts. There is no denying that. as time wears on and that all important person without whom the ceremony cannot proceed fails to show, a potential bride or groom suffer heartbeats, nervous impatience, and a certain amount of anger. What happens after this really depends upon how the situation is dealt with, and this is where those people that care matter.
- Announcing the calling off of the wedding.
- The person left at the altar.
- Bride reactions.
- Groom reactions.
- Cold feet and forgiveness.
- Acceptance.
- The gifts.
- Realization.
Announcing the calling off of the wedding.
This is a horrible job. You stand there, totally bewildered about what is happening on what was supposed to be the best day of your life. All dressed up to the nines with everyone around you wishing you well, it's hard to think about how to announce the dreadful thing which has happened.
In most situations, the Best Man or the Bride's Father will be able to announce what has happened, and all eyes fall on you, the jilted party. How do you cope with that? Dignity isn't easy in a situation such as this, though long after the date of the wedding, people will remember how you react.
When the announcement is made that the wedding is off, you have two choices:
Call off the reception.
Carry on with it, so that all those who came a long way can at least get together to comfort you and to commiserate.
Chances are that the family of the party who didn't turn up will be feeling pretty awful, and this gives you a chance to keep your pride intact and show that the catering wasn't wasted. At best you can disappear pretty rapidly and leave the families to it, or at worst be able to let a few feelings out instead of bottling them up.
The person at the altar.
Brides and grooms react differently to being abandoned at the altar. People around you are every bit as shocked as you are, and may not know how to treat you, or to help you accept the situation. Turn to close friends to give you strength. They have been there with you through thick and thin and are probably the only people who can lead you through this difficult time without judgment or imposing their own values on you. It's your day. Let your friends help you through it. No-one should have to cope alone.
Bride reactions.
The bride may be vulnerable and will certainly have all her emotions upside down. Perhaps they knew deep inside that it was never going to happen, though nothing prepares them for the realization that it actually happened. The first reactions may be tears, though some brides internalize and this is worse long term, since a bride needs to be able to express their feelings. Parents may feel anger, but their anger is secondary to those emotions felt by the bride. Often anger expressed by parents makes it even worse for the bride to accept.
Put in a situation like this, guests and family should appreciate that the bride needs to be able to express themselves in a manner which suits them. Let them take the lead. Let them talk, cry, be alone or choose the company they need rather than trying to impose your will upon the bride. It's a horrible situation which can be made worst by too much show of sympathy, or imposition of your ideas.
Groom reactions.
Similarly with the groom, he will be feeling rather let down. For a man, the emotions are very real as well, and they should also be left to take the lead. Their best man will be able to take over and to relieve the groom of responsibilities he finds too difficult to cope with. Similarly, the groom should be allowed to make decisions about what happens after the people go, and whether the party should be abandoned.
Cold feet and forgiveness.
One should never assume that being left at the altar is the end of the story. There are many reasons why this happens, and perhaps all those wedding nerves got the better of the person who stayed away. They may indeed still love you very much and may not have been able to face the vastness of the ceremony. Try and talk to them to determine what happened, and perhaps they still want to marry though not with as much pomp. Last minute nerves are common with weddings, and may reflect cold feet and fear. This should be talked about, as often the union can be salvaged and the dates changed to a time when more confidence is gained.
Acceptance.
If it is established that the wedding really is off, acceptance is the only road to going forward. It is very hard indeed to accept that the person you love doesn't love you enough to marry you. You go through all kinds of questioning. You ask yourself about your own worth, though at the end of the day, all this means is that they changed their mind based on their own thoughts, over which you have little control.
It's easy to lose yourself in negativity, put in a situation where you feel shunned, though once acceptance sets in, it is actually easier to go forward and to start your life again, because it is this acceptance that leads to building up the self esteem once again which allows you to face life head on. Friends will avoid the subject. Family will seem embarrassed, though you should never mistake embarrassment for shame. It is not that you did anything wrong, or have anything to feel sorry about. Your friends and family's embarrassment is because someone they love is hurt, and is in no way a reflection of you being a failure.
The gifts.
If you cannot face sending those gifts back to the senders, ask someone stronger than you to do it. They will be glad to help you cope, and grateful for the opportunity to help you.
Realization.
When you are left at the altar, you lose your grip and suddenly the stage upon which you stand becomes one you prefer not to star on. This day was your day. This day was supposed to be one in which you starred. What everyone around needs to accept is that it's still your day, though it ended differently than you anticipated.
The cost, the flowers, the bridesmaids, the church all sink into insignificance when something of this nature happens, and instead of it being a lesson in negativity, in time it becomes a cautionary tale that you learn to grow by. If a bride or groom had enough doubt to leave you standing at the altar, imagine the horror of a marriage to that same person had they attended out of duty. You certainly are better off knowing before wedlock that it was not meant to be, rather than after months of battle through divorce lawyers.
It's hard to accept this when it happens to you, though eventually you are able to move on and smell the roses without thinking of bouquets, and see that although this seemed enormous, is just one error in judgment that is in your past. With this knowledge, you are able to move forward and avoid similar disappointments in the future.
