ALT-9 Worst Reasons to Marry
Leo Tolstoy once wrote that happy families are all alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Likewise, there are probably nearly as many bad reasons to get married as there are bad marriages. Still, most bad marital choices fall into a handful of general categories:
It’s What You’re Supposed to Do
It’s never a good idea to make important life decisions based on what you think society, your family or your friends expect you to do. This is certainly true for a decision that will affect the rest of your life and the life of your partner. We’re all subject to society’s expectations, to some degree, but not everyone is cut out for marriage, and not everyone who is has had the opportunity to meet the right person by the time she thinks she “should” be married and working on a family.
Some people also marry the wrong person because of social pressures. Childhood sweethearts often grow apart as they grow up. But they may feel marriage is simply the path of least resistance if everyone around them assumes the childhood friends were “made for each other.” Giving into this kind of social expectations is usually ill-advised and can led to very unhappy marriages.
Economic Security
Women (and some men) may get married because they want someone support them or to give them a higher standard of living than they could manage on their own. Men may consider getting married cheaper and easier than hiring a full-time cook and housekeeper to take their mother’s place. Couples also sometimes marry to take advantage of insurance benefits and tax breaks not available to singles living together. If your only reason for marrying is financial benefits, your marriage will not be built on a solid foundation.
Unexpected Pregnancy/ Children from Previous Marriage
No one would argue that children are generally better off with two positive parental figures than one struggling to keep the family intact and make ends meet. And it’s certainly easier for two parents to raise a child than for one to juggle family and work alone. But marrying to avoid the social stigma or economic hardship of single parenthood is probably not a good idea – at least not if you have no other reason to merge your life with another’s “for better or worse.”
Socially Sanctioned Lust
Animal attraction no doubt brings many unsuitable couples together, and if they’re satisfied with a brief, passionate relationship before moving on, no permanent harm may be done. But whether young couples rush into marriage because of moral qualms about having premarital sex, a drunken impulse, or the naive belief that their hot, romantic desire will last forever, they are heading for trouble. Lust fades with time – sometimes before the honeymoon is over. The intense passion young couples feel at the beginning of an affair will inevitably burn itself out. That’s fine if they have an underlying relationship of love and friendship, but potentially disastrous if lust was the only thing holding the pair together.
Getting Away from Home
Many young couples race into marriage with the first partner willing to tie the knot simple to escape an unhappy family situation or get out on their own as independent adults. It’s sometimes difficult for teenagers or even men and women in their twenties to feel they’ve truly “come of age” until they’re married. Contemporary American society lacks any meaningful rites of passage to mark the important transition from childhood to adulthood, and marriage is often seen as the only legitimate badge of genuine maturity – the only thing that may make our parents finally view us as equals instead of their dependent children. But if you’re expecting marriage to transform you into a responsible adult, you’re putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. You need to become an independent, mature adult first, and then seek an appropriate partner to share your life with.
Avoiding Loneliness
Human beings are innately social beings, and even happy singles sometimes feel lonely. And it’s certainly important to choose a partner who will be a good friend and companion as well as a sexual partner. You’ll (hopefully) share a long life together, and as sexual passions fade a strong friendship and mutual respect will carry you over the long haul.
But if your fear of growing old alone drives you into an ill-advised marriage, you may end up feeling even lonelier tied to a spouse and children you have no connection with than you did as an unhappy single.
Having Children
For celebrities, at least, having children out of wedlock seems to be no big deal, but most ordinary people still feel marriage and children go together. And for many women, in particular, as the biological clock ticks away, desperation can set in. A woman in her late thirties may well begin to feel any man she can latch onto will be acceptable as long as he can give her children. This is not only a morally questionable and deceitful basis for a relationship, it will likely produce a very unhappy marriage and possibly ugly custody battles down the line.
Keeping a Lover from Leaving
Women are especially prone to viewing marriage as a means of hanging onto a man they fear will abandon them for another, go off to college and find new interests, or relocate for a job and leave them behind. But men, too, can regard marriage as a means of holding onto a woman who’s had enough of a commitment-phobic man who refused to “grow up.” If marriage is used as a trap to catch a reluctant mate, it’s hardly likely to produce a strong, healthy relationship. Eventually, both partners will probably come to resent the situation they’re in –feeling tied to someone they don’t love but holding on for fear of being alone.
There are many ways to make a bad marriage, and many very bad reasons for marrying. However much you dread the thought of going through life alone, it’s often better than being chained to someone you were never meant to be with. Love, mutual respect, companionship, and the desire to raise a family and grow old together with your life’s partner are still the best reasons for getting married.
