ALT-1 How to tell if You’re Ready for Marriage
Inspect your think-want and think-need habits about finances and relationships to see if you're ready to tie the knot, hitch the wagon, push the carriage, build the bridge, make the most, run the race, live the life and bake cookies together.
Do you habitually think of your own happiness? That is, what would make you happy or happier? "If I only had . . ." something or someone, then you would be happy? If you do, hold off on getting married.
Marriage is about thinking about the other person first, their well being, their happiness and their desires. And that goes for both wife and husband. That's what makes a real team, one that mutually watches out for each other's good.
If you, the other person, or both are habitually thinking about what you want, or, indulging in what you want, hold off on getting married until you've reformed your habits.
Selfish people do not make good partners. You might be selfish but not even know it. Write down the things you do. Write down the things you say. Think of someone you neither like or dislike, and ask yourself, if they did and said the exact thigns I say and do to me, would I like them anymore? If you're badly selfish, figure out how to change those habits by doing unselfish things a lot over time for a half year. Then re-assess.
Your love interest may be loveable, but also selfish. No one is perfectly unselfish, but be sure that you observe your own habits and your love interest's habits before marrying. If either one of you are highly selfish, hold off on marriage until you have both overcome it, or, wait for another. Extreme selfishness is often what leads the next door neighbors standing in front of the yellow police tape in all of those news stories saying, "They seemed like such a peaceful couple. You should have seen how fast she was driving that bulldozer. Whew."
Especially among young people, you can tell a selfish person if they expect sex without proving they have the financial security to raise children, and the will to give the children committed, married parents for life to that particular person that they want in bed. It's great to be wanted, but if you're selfishly wanted, that is, the interest is mainly about sex, status or cash, check that flattering, steamy person for fangs first.
It doesn't matter what others do, if you want the best for your life and children, you will give them one set of parents married for life, and who make developing their love for each other a top priority over time. That is the relationship equivalent to doing a great insulation job on a house in a cold world, and especially when a child lives in that house.
Habitually thinking about other people's well-being is the right mindset. That usually comes easier with satisfying your own basic life needs first: be it education, work ethic proof, related financial security-discipline, and or travel.
People thinking of wanting and needing to love and serve the other, will love and serve the other. It is important that one expect this of oneself first, and be sure the other person has this expectation of themselves too, before saying "I do."
This is also important to determine before inviting a child into the world, or even risking it. Do not be dumb with your life and that of someone else. Life is very, very valuable. Do not harm it, or make it harder than it naturally is. If you do so, be ready to fully commit to responsibility for who has relied on your actions and risks. Take care of them for life, and start building the life that is best for you both. Great lovers can come into being from this direction too, however, it is rare and rough.
Also, before tying the knot, do a reality check: Do you earn enough to support a family? Do you have the skills to do so in a reasonable time? Do you both want children? What are the work expectations? Are you ready to give of yourself and your labor at home if the other works and you work at quality child rearing by day? Are you ready to adapt to unforeseen circumstances to make things work? Can you get yourself out of bed early for others? Are you disciplined? Are you morally secure? Can you trust yourself not to want or need anyone else, or any drug above your mate for love interests? If the answer is "no" to any of these questions, hold off on marriage until your "yes" answers are confidentally earned, and you are happy about it. Then love your people in your life with all you've got. That's the most joyous life to have, no matter who you are.
If you're middle class, realize that even two income families sometimes face financial hardship from having to hire child care. Or, they have to spend to the limit to get into the best school district they can. If they have children without any consumer debt first, it's easier for one to stay home and take care of all of the things that it costs money to take care of if one person isn't there: like child care, and managing belongings so a smaller space is comfortable to live in.
Strong work ethic, discipline and skill building are the safe and deep foundations on which love and romance feel safe to flourish an grow. They are part of love. Get those taken care of first whenever possible, before marrying. Without them, love and romance are sometimes tarnished by stress, distrust and lack of focus, doubts, self-consciousness, and fear, especially where children are in your life.
If you don't know how it feels or what it means to be confident in work and love, hold off on marriage, because it means you haven't been tested in crucial areas you need to test yourself to be ready to provide, be dedicated, and love another person fully as you yourself would want to be loved: with heart, soul, mind and strength.
For all of our imperfections, that is where a common spiritual faith and practice comes in to make a marriage stronger. Morality from spiritual faiths can check the selfish passions with moral and spiritual disciplines that mature and strenthen the spouses' love for each other. This area is spiritual, at home, and not just religious in front of others.
Learn what makes you a happy individual, achieve that, and get comfortable with what you have. Then, if you start thinking about what you'd like to give to another because you can, that's how you know you're in the marrying zone. At that point, find an observant, calm, tactful and gradual way to find out if your love interest is similarly dedicated. Do not jump off a bridge into the water until you know the depth of that water will sustain the dive. May you find the Pacific Ocean of love.
