Rules of Small Talk at Holiday Parties
The basic rule for having pleasant holiday party small talk is simple: Just everybody be pleasant. The rest of the rules are necessarily negative suggestions, but if they serve to help create an enjoyable party, they’re worth considering
1. Let’s decide that we’ll all be pleasant to each other as we celebrate this holiday together.2. There will be no turning friendly small talk into family feuds, such as resentment of rich old skinflint Uncle Charlie, no ridicule of Aunt Sally’s dyed hair, and don’t even mention Cousin Charlie’s nose ring. Small talk must be brief, friendly, clean, and teenagers are not permitted to use the word “like” even once throughout the party.3. There’s to be no small talk among the guys about their latest golf adventures, and no fibbing about their scores. Guys are not allowed to discuss Tiger Woods’ future on the golf course or in the bedroom.4. No one is permitted to talk about politics or law enforcement, no matter how bad the mess is in Washington, as well as with those idiots on the hometown board of education. This also applies to the unjust driving ticket your spouse got for alleged speeding while under the influence.5. Please, we don’t want to hear small talk from people with big butts who brag about about their latest diet. Holiday parties are about lots of good eating. Either join in heartily or keep quiet about why you can’t lose weight.6. Small talk conversations are encouraged, but no one is allowed to talk more than three minutes straight before allowing others to get a word in edgewise.7. No proud parent is permitted to brag about kids’ school achievements, especially when everyone knows they’re all C minus students. No big talk about small achievements.8. If the small talk edges into saying nasty gossip about relatives or friends, it must be about someone who isn’t there at the party.9. If any party guests start a small talk session that becomes a pitch to sell insurance, investments or any other crooked deal, that guest will be removed quickly and with utmost brutality.10. If small talk causes proud parents and grandparents to pull out photos of kids or grandkids, everyone else should react quickly. Their duty is to tear them up and throw the pieces in the faces of the offenders.These holiday party tips about rules of small talk don’t recommend violence, except when absolutely necessary.
