Junkers Clunkers and Beaters
One man's junk is another man's treasure, and if one is asking himself if he does or does he not drive ajunker, chances are he does not for to have driven a junker even once is a memory so unlike any other driving experience that it becomes indelibly imprinted somewhere in the far recesses of one's subconscious.
In the north these cars are called "beaters", and most people have one hanging around somewhere to use on winter days when the streets are being treated with chlorine for snow and ice, as everyone knows chlorine in massive amounts can literally rust the frame right out from beneath an automobile. To combat this dilemma, the solution comes in the form of a beater or junker, and because they are plentiful and cheap they can easily be replaced. One can always judge the severity of a northern winter according to the "Beater Scale"; how many beaters or junkers were needed to get through to spring at which time one can pull the rust free newer car from the garage.
So what exactly is a beater or junker, and would you know one if you were to see one? Absolutely! They are banged, dented, limp down the road, most times are seriously out of alignment, they do not corner well, have mismatched tires with no hubcaps, the brakes usually squeal, and many times are multi-colored as exterior parts have been replaced with a matching part from another beater of a different color.
Beaters are not to be confused with a normal automobile as they are automobiles only in a marginal sense of the word. They will be the highest mileage vehicles you will ever drive; many times the odometer has turned over more than once; most are minus the accessories such as radios and gadgets as they were previously taken out and sold; most times the speedometers are stuck at some random speed such as 110 mph; the windows are normally non-operating; the door hinges are rusted with doors you have to slam multiple times to close and then kick your way out; and they are almost always over ten years old.
What kind of cars can be beaters? Any old car could conceivably serve as such, but the very best beaters are the big old heavy General Motors V-8 cars from the 50's and 60's; Pontiacs, Chevrolets, Buicks, Cadillacs, Oldsmobiles, Fords; Chryslers, and pickup trucks if they are heavy. Somewhere in the 70’s, people started putting concrete slabs in the bed of their pick-up truck and El Camino beaters, until a slab went through the cab of the beater and killed the driver. Although it is true weight is everything when dealing with ice and snow, put no concrete weights in the beaters! The life you save may be your own.
So what does one do with the beater or junker after they are finished with it? The funny thing with beaters is they have an indefinite road life; one day you could be limping along just fine, and for no apparent reason, the motor seizes or blows up and the beater is hauled to the scrap yard, but a good beater could last for several years. And they are oh so desirable for the demolition derbies.
The question is not "how do I know if I am driving a junker", but should be "where can I get me one of those junkers"; because to have driven a beater or a junker is a simple pleasure like none other for very little cost.
