How to Succeed in Business
An experienced employer can almost always find a way to fire you if they are inclined to do so. However, there are certain instances in which your boss’s true hatred comes from a deeper place. The leverage that you may have over him or her may be what they despise most about you. Here are ten reasons why your boss may hate you, and if for no other reason, simply because of the fact that there is nothing that they can do about it.
10. He called in sick to work. Later that day you were waiting for your lunch at the takeout place down the street. The takeout place had the opening day baseball game on the television and you saw him on the “Kiss Cam” with one of the other office managers who just happens to be married.
9. You walk into his office for a prearranged meeting and he is not there yet. You take a peek at his computer screen and find that he did not “lock” it before leaving his office (a clear violation of company policy). You do a quick Google search and copy and paste the link from an adult website into a blank e-mail and send it to the entire team from his e-mail address.
8. You are at the copy machine and find a receipt inside from an auto-repair shop with his name on it. After a little doctoring with some blank paper and tape, you change the name and address of the auto-repair shop to “Male Enhancement Products, Inc.” and then insert one copy into the middle of a stack of training material that will later duplicated, collated, and distributed to all of the new hires.
7. You make sure that you are the last one to sign the anniversary card that is being passed around the office for your boss and his wife. You know that he won’t read it because that’s the way that he is. Underneath your coworker’s congratulatory statement (it just happens to be your coworker’s last day) you write down the website address where they post all of the “Kiss Cam” videos from opening day because you are sure that he will show the card to his wife so he can brag about how much all of his employees love him so much.
6. He asks you to go to the lobby to pick up and pay for the catered lunch for the manager meeting that afternoon. While waiting for the delivery in the lobby, you call the local big-box liquor store and with his corporate credit card order a keg for delivery to his home address for a date several months from now.
5. You walk into his office and find it empty. He must not have learned his lesson since the last incident because you take a peek at his computer screen, and sure enough, he forgot to lock it again. On the computer screen, you see a PowerPoint presentation for this afternoon’s meeting. You scroll to about the middle of the very lengthy document that talks about employee motivation. Again, you reference Google and copy and paste a less than appropriate image from one of his favorite websites on the slide that reads, “Rewarding Employee Performance.”
4. Several months later, a mysterious keg of beer shows up at his home address and the following month his corporate expense account is discontinued.
3. You overhear him on a personal call and he mentions to his buddy that because of his problems at home and work lately that he would definitely like to accept the extra ticket that his friend has to the Phish concert. He says that he needs to unwind. You make a personal note of this.
2. You send an anonymous letter to the HR department the Monday after the concert divulging vague references to drug use in the workplace. Mandatory drug tests are administered and the following week a security guard accompanies your boss to his office with an empty paper crate so that he can collect his personal belongings before he is escorted out of the building.
1. Your exemplary performance in the office has not gone unnoticed by your peers and upper management. You are offered a promotion and take over as the new boss in your department.
