Christmas Gifts that Won’t Embarrass your Teen Girl
Ah, teens. Who would have thought that such a monosyllabic, seemingly innocuous word could be responsible for initiating such horrified spinal shudders, uncontrollable stomach churns and erratic eyelid twitching of the parents reading this article.
Just to be extra nasty, I will say it again. Louder, this time. TEENS. They have wreaked havoc in family homes around the world and inflicted misery and torment and sleepless nights upon many. They are but one of the compilation of notorious modern inventions: they are as rapidly explosive and lethal as the atomic bomb, and just as invisibly sinister as the weapons of mass destruction.
And now that Christmas is hurtling towards us all at a breakneck speed, it is now time to confront your paralyzing fear of a repeat rendition of last year's disastrous Christmas. Here is some advice on how to avoid embarrassing your teen girl, and thus, the cold stares, the protruding, quivering lower lip, the tears the next day, when they have compared the catalogue of gifts of which their friends were the recipients.
It is crucial to remember, when buying a gift, that teenagers are well past that stage of wide-eyed innocence. They no longer believe in Santa Claus and only roll their eyes in exasperation as a sooty Dad struggles down the chimney, before re-gluing them onto the computer or mobile screen. When they were little, even when you gave them something they did not specifically want, their eyes still lit up with the mere thought that the elves had worked on this piece of twisted plastic all year round and that Santa Claus had come to their homes especially to deliver it. But now, God help you if you surprise' your teen girl with an unexpected daggy gift.
The best manual I can recommend for What-Not-to-Give-Your-Teenager-On-Christmas is to re-read Harry Potter, and note the unpopular but well-intentioned gifts of the loving Weasley matriarch. Yes. Unfortunately for all those supreme champions of home crafts, such as knitting or embroidery, your daughters definitely are not equally avid aficionados of your homemade masterpieces. They are not at a stage where they appreciate the long hours you spent weaving secretly by candlelight. They are not at a stage where they can judge a gift by its sentimental value.
Conversely, teenagers are in that perpetual, avariciously materialist, If-that-is-not-Designer-or-a-believable-imitation-I-am-so-like-going-to-barf mode. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment, if the shoes are not unbearably grotesque, and get into their mindsets, if that is not too odious. The very first thought that will cross their minds when they see an article of clothing is Will I be able to wear it without facing the ridicule of my friends?' The second thought will most likely be, Will it attract the attention of that hot guy who sits behind me in history?' Or vice versa. And generally, when it comes to homemade clothing, the answer is negative, as so vividly demonstrated by the red faces of the red-haired Ron and his siblings, as they put on their initialed sweaters. So, unless you want to make some padding for the bottom of their drawer, DO NOT make them clothes. Unless you are a famous designer, of course.
Similarly, now is not the time to bequeath your daughter with a precious family heirloom they automatically consider that under the taboo category of recycled' objects. So save great-great-grandma's gold locket with great-great-great-grandpa's baby lock of hair, for their wedding day. Even if they have not acquired a connoisseur's taste for it then, at least you won't have to live with their complaints. Remember: teenagers like bling, not artefacts.
Additionally, in the tumultuous 21st century, pop stars and fashions are here one second, gone the next. If you are a super-organised parent, and bought all your Christmas presents last month, chances are, give you daughter her present NOW. Because by Christmas, it will most likely have become a reviled antique.
But for those less organised, the rule of the thumb is to confirm your daughter's wish list with her first. The easiest way to achieve this purpose, is to go shopping together. You must ask their permission, of course, and buy return tickets to Europe for their friends, so they are out of the way. Just in case you unwittingly embarrass your daughter in this preliminary stage, by bumping into the queen bee of her group, whilst wearing your outrageously un-cool tracksuit. However, remember that your task is made easier by the fact that your daughter wishes to cooperate with you, because they regard Christmas as harvest time for their exorbitantly-priced goodies.
Now, teenage girls are not as subtle as they like to think. Most have not yet mastered the suave coolness and apathetic manipulative powers of the femme fatale. They are human, and thus respond to stimuli. And so, they constantly drop blatant hints about their ideal and grossly extensive wish list. Now, this is something I, like many other teenagers, am guilty of. When we come across an item we simply adore, we sneak long sidelong glances at our parents. If we deem that we occupy a spot in their peripheral vision, we then proceed to finger the item lovingly, and open our eyes and mouths as widely as possible in exaggerated delight. If we realise that they are not paying attention, we begin to sigh softly and ooh and aah earnestly over the item. However, I repeat, teenagers are not as subtle as they think. And therefore, these soft ooh and aahs are more like: O MY GOD, THIS IS SO AWESOME. IT'S JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED! I HOPE I GET IT FOR CHRISTMAS!' Whilst our eyes and mouths twitch from the exertions, and our nostrils flare like there's no tomorrow.
Problem solved. Mission accomplished.
Alternatively, if your teen has been a true monsters all year, then let the 2007 Christmas be a time of revenge, not forgiveness. Let it be the season where you put your foot down and set those brats back into their rightful places. In the old days, kids got a switch in their stockings, instead of presents, if they had been naughty during the year. Now, I am by no means suggesting such extreme measures. Rather, simply that you should hold an emergency meeting with all your daughters' friends' mothers, who, trust me, are suffering the same predicaments and dilemmas as you. And let the conspiracy begin.
Come Christmas Day, when your daughter opens her present and slaps her horrified eyes upon the smirking Rudolf the Reindeer on a hand-knitted sweater, just smile sweetly as she runs from the room. She shall emerge meekly minutes later, after frantically enquiring after her friends' bounty. She will come up to you and kiss her mum for being so COOL! How on earth did you know that knitted sweaters were going to be IN this Christmas? And she will proudly don on Rudolf the Reindeer, with his red pompom nose, as if it were a badge of honour.
And there we have it. An angel will emerge from beneath the hostile mask of your teenage drama queen. And a new queen bee will be crowned this Christmas. You.
