ALT-5 Secrets to Enjoying Family Holidays
Soon we'll be listening to those sleigh bells ringing. Our lives will be consumed with the Christian tradition of Santa Claus and merchandising. Radio stations have already begun their twenty four hour loop of songs from long dead crooners and unfortunately still around pop stars. Stores have marked everything down for the holidays and yet here you are still burping up cranberry sauce and yams from Thanksgiving. We have been greasing the tracks for the Christmas season even before you had a chance to develop a cavity from your Halloween candy. Along with Sears and Walmart's march to the holidays so too march your family members soon to be joined in one holiday Union workers type mob. Meandering aimlessly. Looking for someone to carve the ham. Figuring out which kid dumped the rum into the eggnog. More frightening than 1980's hairstyles is your mandatory attendance at obligatory family gatherings. How to survive? The holidays are getting longer and longer each year. Before you know it your Aunt Rose and Uncle Ed will be knocking on your door the Wednesday after Election Day with presents and food expecting a warm bed to sleep in. Holidays should be about enjoyment so let me impart on you secrets to ensure a happy holidays.
Never have anything at your house.
There are quite a few things prohibiting your enjoyment of the holidays if you have taken on the monumental burden of hosting this year's reunion. The week leading up to the oncoming stampede of family members you have not seen since last Christmas is spent cleaning. Dusting, sweeping, stain removing, buffing, waxing. Your porcelain will never be shinier. You will spend five to six days of cleaning just so the night your family members come and are stuffing their face can drop a stuffed mushroom on your freshly cleaned Berber carpet. There is the other inhibitor to your enjoyment, the food. Assuredly your Aunt will be bringing her carrot and cheese casserole but the bulk of the food is going to be coming from your oven. As the host, it is under your ring of responsibility to provide a few dishes and a dessert. The other problem? Unlike at the local watering hole, you have no 'last call' to announce to the drunks and second cousins taking up residence at your pool table in the basement. Relatives tend to outlast their welcome and outlast your booze. Do not forget about clean up. There is something especially annoying about having to clean up around the toilet bowl where your nephew forgot Mr. Wee Wee needs to aim for the water and not the linoleum. As long as you cleaned might be as long as you are cleaning up lasting well into the night. So much for that relaxing night cap.
Go to any other relatives house besides yours.
Obviously, if you are to enjoy the holidays with your relatives, it only makes sense to go to their homes. Eat their food. Let your son urinate on their floor. Drop glazed ham on their carpet. Drink lots of their alcohol and then get in your car and go home. It's enjoyable because the yolk of responsibility is not on your shoulders. Your job is to solely soak up the holiday cheer and that last piece of Apple Crumb pie.
Don't worry about what the kids eat.
The holidays are all about excess, indulgence, and getting presents so why in the world are you going to be a stickler about maintaining your raw organic food only diet? You just spent $600 on a video system for your ten year old, you have lost the air of restraint and control. By worrying about making sure the four food groups take up a spot on your kid's Dixie only goes to add to your stress levels. It's the holidays. You are trying to enjoy the company of family members you may not have seen in some time, let your kid have the carrot cake and potato chips for dinner. On the bright side, they at least went for the Carrot cake.
Don't be afraid to imbibe a little more than usual.
Anytime you are faced with uncomfortable situations with people you may not have anything in common with or to talk about, alcohol does wonders to melt that ice. Kinship does not a friend make. You have as much contact with some of your family as you do your Proctologist, it is not unimaginable to think you may not be able to talk to all of them. You would be amazed at what two or three warm shots of whiskey can do to a conversation. It is important you don't over do it though. Lip syncing Kiss' 'I want to Rock and Roll' while swinging your bra over your head on top of the dinner table won't play well with your godmother. A few nips. Two or three shots. Take off the edge and sit back and enjoy your Uncle's dissertation on why the '79 Steelers would have beaten the '05 team.
Don't turn on your FM radio.
FM radio stations begin assaulting our eardrums shortly after the last of your turkey has been wrapped in Saran Wrap with the twenty four hour loop of carols and holiday songs. Since their hiatus began after New Year's it is nice to hear the first round of the songs. To continue listening to these songs will only disintegrate any holiday cheer you had built up at the beginning of the month. Keep your listening habits to short bursts of songs. Never exceed more than three consecutive songs in a row in a day. Make sure you sprinkle in your Coldplay and Kenny Chesney mp3's amidst the Perry Cuomo and Johnny Mathis. With all due respect to Bobby Helms and Brenda Lee, a person can only take so much Jingle Bell Rock.
Set limits on your gift spending.
Nothing gets you feeling that uncomfortable itching sensation on your arms like spending two bucks on a present when your sister spent sixty. Secret Santa is always a good way of avoiding embarrassing moments when your Uncle figures out how cheap you are. Twenty dollars is a good amount. You will avoid overspending, you will not have to buy eighteen gifts for all your nieces and nephews and grandparents, and it is fun picking numbers and being able to swap presents with your family.
The holidays are all about family. Getting together. Laughing. Hugging. Sharing food and making new memories. Most times however, we end up counting down the minutes until we are left alone and treated to another 12 months of quiet from our relatives. If we are able to steer clear of stressful situations we can begin to enjoy our holidays again. We keep them secret from everyone else though because inevitably some of your family members are going to be cursing and drinking heavily just to make it through the night. If we were to let them in on some of the secrets the shoes might be on the other foot and we certainly don't want that, not if we want to be able to be in the same room with these people let alone enjoy the holidays with our families. So shhhh! I won't tell if you won't and we can all enjoy the holidays a little bit.
