ALT-4 The value of Presents its the Thought that Counts
I had been talking to my step-daughter earlier on in the day and in the evening my husband asked if she had mentioned anything she would like for her upcoming 12th birthday. She hadn't, and so my husband asked should he just give her money.My immediate reaction was NO, money is fine for distant relatives, but not from a parent. Why is that? Why did I think that a present from a parent should be an item (preferably carefully thought out and "special")?
It occurred to me that when I look at something my husband (whom I see every day) has bought me, my thought is first that it is mine, then of him. When I see something my mum has bought me (I see her 5-10 times a year), I think first of her, then that it is mine. If I look at something from a relative who has passed away, I think predominantly about them, and that the item in question is almost theirs and I just happen to be looking after it. It would seem that (to me at least) absence not only makes the heart grow fonder, but also causes me to attach increasing sentimentality to any objects they have given me. The same is probably true for my husband - his mother passed away several years ago and the watch she gave him has reached an almost sacred status. Similarly when he wants to feel a connection to his daughter, he looks at presents she has given him, or wears the top she gave him for fathers day.
Now, if I look at something I have bought with money that has been given to me - well, that is mine first, almost as if I had bought it myself, maybe if I give it some thought then the person who gave me the money will come to mind, but it is not an immediate reaction. However, if I go back and think about when I bought the item, I was very actively thinking of them then - what a treat they have given me and how I want to buy something nice with their kind gift. The sentimentality is attached to the actual money (in fact the spending of it), not what I have bought with it.
So, back to my stepdaughters birthday present. My husband doesn't see her that often, we live about a 3-4 hour drive away (sometimes more with traffic). It would be reasonable to assume that anything he gives her she is going to attach sentiment to in order to feel close to her father. If he gives her a present, she will think of him most times she uses it - in fact, I guess the more useful the present (ie the more frequently it will be used), the greater connection she will feel with him - it will keep him close in her thoughts.
If he gives her money, she will think of him as she spends it - BUT - the sentimental attachment will be placed on the actual act of spending money.
It has been a growing trend of recent years to throw money at children - birthdays, Christmas, even just because it is the weekend, or to shut them up! Spending has also become a problem for so many with debts spiraling out of control especially in the younger generations. Are we, as a society, replacing love, caring, understanding and time with money?
Surely this creates a pattern, a "neural pathway" in the brain which says in order to feel that connection - the feeling of love, security, belonging, family and everything else we associate with our parents - in the absence of that person physically being there and available to give us the attention we crave - spend money!
Perhaps it is not the case, as is so frequently stated, that this generation do not value money. Perhaps they value money too much. Maybe their birthday money is not just notes and coins, but in fact how they are experiencing being loved and cared for. Although slipping a cheque in a card for your favourite niece may seem an entirely better thing than buying then something you are not sure they will like, you could be doing them and injustice if you are their favourite aunt/uncle. Maybe it really is the thought that counts
- I am giving you this top to keep you warm because I care for you -- I saw this silly mug that I thought would make you smile because I want you to be happy -- I am giving you money because I don't really understand you or I couldn't be bothered to trawl around the shops for you- hmmmm.
I personally, had a whole wardrobe of terrible jumpers, ponchos, woolly tights etc from one of my great grandmothers which I never wore. I did, however, know that she wanted me to not get cold. Funny now that the first thing I ask my step daughter now before we go out is "are you going to be warm enough in that jacket?". I may not have won any prizes for fashion with the gifts she gave me, but I did learn a way to care for others.
Sentimentality will probably be attached to anything you give to anyone that you are close to. I think it is important to remember the message we are giving with our gifts and stop getting hung up on price tags. Perhaps we should be like the fairy godmothers of fairy tales and think about what we really would want for the people we are giving to and find things that represent that. Warmth, laugher, peace, learning, compassion are just a few gifts that would seem nicer to give - and if I have the choice between buying a terrible woolly jumper or the latest video game devoted to murder, vice or monsters, I know what my "unfortunate" nephew is getting!
Oh, and by the way, did you guess? My step daughter will not be getting money for her birthday:)
