ALT-3 Views on Marrying Young
The question of getting married is so personal that it seems silly, if not arrogant, to put limits on the age. In my experience, there is no "too young to get married" in terms of years, only in terms of maturity. There is not a quantity of passes around the sun to determine if you are ready to commit to a way of life. Though generally, most people are not ready for marriage before the age of 10.
Marriage is a bond of love and commitment, with nothing held back or in exchange. It is a promise to be truthful, loving and willing to work. It is the stated desire to care for someone through every stage of life. It is a willingness to work together to create another generation of minds to change the world. It is also a legal bond that can be used for the gain of wealth or power within a mindset, cultural or individual, that does not honor love.
Here is my experience, of unreadiness and readiness for marriage at a young age:
At age 14 I thought I was ready for marriage; I had yet to find the person, but I was more than ready to find them. More than ready is just as bad as not ready, I found. I got my heart broken because I jumped in without realism. I set my eternal hopes on my first kiss, despite my rational brain telling me it was "only high school." He was a depressed romantic too, but not as vividly as I. He never signed up for that kind of pressure! The years of eagerly waiting outweighed the wise recited logic, to my eternal regret.
Strangely, my youthful enthusiasm was misplaced by only 10 months. If I could have been told, as I watched my first love walk away, that I would be with my perfect, nay personalized, husband less than three months later, I would have laughed myself into crying myself to sleep. Yet it happened.
A good friend and land-partner of my mother watched me get so damaged by my dreams, a boy, and something else as well, and wished that he could have loved me, properly, instead. He also knew what other pains I was feeling, and wanted to help me not kill myself even if he could never live with me. We had never spoken much, due to shyness, but he sent me a myspace friend request at the darkest part of my summer. I was intrigued by him, I had been ever since my mom introduced me to him four years earlier, and I needed desperately to talk to someone who would understand my depression and heartbreak without judgment. I had no energy to pretend with anymore. I was so close to jumping off I didn't care if he would like what I had to say, and part of me thought/hoped he'd understand, so I began pouring out my soul, and he responded with... empathy. He did not shy away, no matter how much I wrote or how horrible it was. He in turn told me of his own depression, what his life had caused him to reflect on, and what that had taught him. He showed me the beauty in the mysteries that were causing me stress, romantic and otherwise.
We delved farther into the esoteric, explorations into what only we had ever thought about, realizing we weren't the only ones to think those things after all. We felt love creeping in as our letters grew longer and more complex. By the time I wrote the words "I love you", our hearts already knew it was coming. We also knew that we were going to get married, though we didn't admit that for another three weeks.
After the conversation that led to our letter writing we didn't see each other again until after we were solidly in love. We knew that, despite our ages, our hormones could be playing only a minor role in our developing relationship, which lent strength to our hope, and was fortunate given my circumstances: my father was unhappy with my partner's age relative age to me, (21 to 16) and my paternal grandmother told me directly that she had gotten married at 18 and regretted it, so I would too. Their lack of faith in us would have been harder to withstand if we had fallen in love during a party, even though our souls/minds are perfect for each other no matter how we met. The separation was sweetly agonizing for us, but very helpful in our protestation of love to their cautiously judgmental minds.
We considered ourselves married after we talked and found out that we both felt the same completeness together, that we each wished to get married all the way. That was five weeks after the start of the relationship. We lived together from then onward, and got legally married two years later, in September of 2008. (Children are scheduled in 2014 or '15.)
There are many things about my husband and I that make us positive about our future together, most of which are far too detailed or personal to go into here. Part of it is that we're both Asperger's autistic, and where we each are deficient in skills the other is able to excel or fit into the task to make it a collaborative effort; I get anxious about calling businesses, and he gets excited to work the system to get what is needed; he forgets a few important things when we go to into town, so I make item and errand lists the day before. We work very well together already, and we're interested to see how much better we can get over the years.
Being together feels like the missing (since birth) part of ourselves has come home to us; we are each others' manifestation of the "myself" in "talking to myself." We are each others therapists and support group. We hardly fight, when we do it is because we are misunderstanding each other or ourselves. We know that and so can keep our conflicts fairly constructive. I am an irritable, emotional, minefield, yet he responds with patience, forgiveness, and love, knowing I'll learn how to be peaceful if he can show me the way long enough. We are together 24/7 thanks to him getting SSID for his Asperger's. There are hours now and then when we are apart by acres due to our sustainable agriculture project, but no more. We are able to be in near constant contact without exploding outward. We love each other all the more for the constant reassurance of our presences.
I am happy that I went straight from my dad's home to occupying one with my husband, without an alone period because I can't take care of myself, completely. My impeding adulthood was making it clear at home, but it took a man with lots of energy and focus, just for taking care of me while I changed and added to my adulthood that showed me how much I couldn't do it myself. I think I'd slowly degrade to an asylum or the pavement if I didn't have my husband to keep me from dwelling in lethargy and anxiety, and he's crazy enough to get the same from me.
Essentially, we have the relationship that is what most people wish for but rarely get, getting legally married has only increased our joy in our spiritual marriage. We are the lucky ones. We understand each other so well that we are quite telepathic already; the older couples around us comment on our happiness and how we work together like we've been at it for 50 years.
I'm sure that there are many people who don't want to be tied to anyone, especially at aforementioned young ages, but it was the best thing we two could have done for ourselves. The time is right when it is right.
