ALT-3 Valentines Day Errors of Judgment
My wife and I have two long-standing traditions on Valentine's Day: We celebrate together, and we bail my buddy out of the dog house and add another entry into our bank of "Rich's Gift Disaster" stories.
Rich, my best friend since kindergarten, is a great guy - honest, loyal, wise, and selfless. The only thing that compares to his wealth of personality high points is the vast void that is his sense of romance.
Here is a partial (yes, only partial) laundry list of the poorly-chosen Valentine's Day gifts and anniversary presents he has bought for his lovely wife: a gym membership, a three-month cooking course, a treadmill (even after the fallout from the gym card), a gift card for a full makeover, a crock pot, a Roomba robotic vacuum, and a Sonicare toothbrush.
Then there was the time he thought he was being Mr. Romantic and dropped by the bookstore for the latest book from her favorite celebrity. He strolled up to the counter and said, "Give me the latest Dr. Phil book."
We were in his driveway (on Valentine's Day) when he actually pulled the book from the Barnes and Noble bag and looked at the title, "The Ultimate Weight Solution."
But nothing compares to the romantic dinner he planned two years ago. Instead of buying another dunderheaded gift, he decided to download recipes that he thought would fit her tastes and create a vast, candlelit spread in their dining room, complete with a brand new pamper-yourself cushioned chaise lounge chair, chocolate-covered fruits of all varieties, tirimasu, champagne, and five or six small servings of gourmet recipe foods.
She was shocked, to say the least - in a pleasant way. He said she actually teared up when she walked into the elegantly-decorated dining room and learned that he had cooked every dish on his own. As guys, we're only able to pull such a feat off once or twice in a lifetime - and that is the average guy, not Rich.
She probably should have thought about his reputation before agreeing to the "tasting blindfold" that he tied over her eyes before serving her in a one-bite-from-each experiment, but she apparently was overwhelmed by the suddenly romantic man she had married.
The first bite of this exquisite and elaborate meal - the FIRST bite - was of a gourmet garlic and herbs lobster that I know took him an hour to prepare even before cooking. He kept calling with questions.
But one of those questions did not include whether the hard shell on a lobster classified it as a shellfish, to which she is severely allergic. Rich knows this.
So I'm guessing she had a pretty extreme expression on her face when she tasted the lobster - an expression that probably was made worse by the rapid swelling of her lips, cheeks and other facial features. If she could have closed her fists, I'm sure she would have punched him.
He called us in the middle of a wonderful Valentine's Day moment for us, a siren drowning out most of the details. I do know that he had lost her injection pen and that the paramedics managed to get to her before her throat swelled shut or she turned blue.
Since then, Rich carries a "gift list" made by his understanding but much more cautious wife - similar to a wedding registry. She says it spoils some of the romance, but not as much as spending the most romantic night of the year hooked up to an I.V. next to a homeless man.
