ALT-3 Shopping Tips for last Minute Gifts
Shopping for a birthday gift can be a hazardous and depressing chore. "What would they want? Is this too expensive? Is this too cheap? How old is he turning? At what age do you stop giving toys? At what age do you start giving semi-automatic handguns?" It's quite the mental marathon, and this insane process is even more fraught with frantic thinking when you're buying a last minute gift. "Do little kids need gas cards? Is a bag of Fritos an appropriate wedding gift? Little Suzie likes Marlboro Lights doesn't she? What if they're barbeque flavored Fritos? Does that make it better? The closer you get to the time of gift giving, the more limited and absurd your choices become.
Last minute gift shopping has been around for longer than you'd think. The first recorded last minute gift that we know of was actually given at a baby shower, when King Gaspar forgot to buy baby Jesus a gift and just ended up giving him cash. Since then, we have strived to improve our ability to completely BS gift purchasing. Here are some tips on how you can do the same.
Step One - Consider how much time you haveIf you've got a few days, it's not really a "last minute" gift, so stop complaining. If the gift exchange is tomorrow, see if you can head up to the mall, or some similar spot where teenagers spawn from the spilt cola on the food-court floor. If you need the gift today, start looking for stores in your immediate area. And if you need the gift within the next hour, start looking around your house for things you don't really want.
Step Two - Try and pick out a decent giftThe less time you have to pick something out, the less time your brain has to make a rational decision about what the person might like. You might think that your teenage niece would LOVE a John Tesh album and a bottle of brandy, but unless she's read my article on receiving lame gifts, the look on her face will clearly indicate your complete lack of gift giving ability. And don't forget, everyone loves gift cards. They have a unique way of saying "I was going to just give you money, but I thought it'd be fun if I limited where you could spend it first."
Step Three - Wrap it somehowThe easiest way to go about this is with a gift bag, something tacky all in the name of being "festive". A plastic grocery bag, however, is frowned up; paper ones even more so. Try for something with little faux rope handles; maybe even throw in some tissue paper and a bow if you're feeling frisky.
So get out of your seat, stop wasting your time reading, and buy that damn gift already. Maybe if you'd just DO things instead of reading online guides ABOUT doing them, you wouldn't be so behind in your shopping.
