ALT-1 Best Gifts for Newly Met Friends
I am a terrible gift-buyer. I find this situation baffling, since I am a generally creative and energetic person, happy to entertain or volunteer on a moment's notice. I behave appropriately and confidently in most social situations, and I am usually ready with a humorous or caring comment, whichever suits the moment.
I can quickly prepare a nice meal for anyone who happens to stop by. I make my own curtains and quilts, teaching others how to do the same. I know how to do basic electrical work and plumbing. I assemble elaborate scrapbooks to commemorate special family moments. I can make just about anything out of materials that I inevitably have on hand. I enjoy listening to my friends and helping them through difficult times. I play the violin. I can refinish even the most hopeless pieces of furniture. I confidently dive into home improvement projects. I can write thoughtful notes. I built a large garden shed last year. I am a confident, capable, caring woman! I have no idea why I experience so much embarrassment and inadequacy in the area of gifting.
Many years ago, I bought dollar store joke gifts for a guy that I had just met, since he had invited me to his birthday party. As I was purchasing the gifts, they seemed funny, and especially relevant to a few key conversations we had recently enjoyed. The "party" was held on a snowy night, and I was the only person who braved the slippery roads. Although he thanked me for the gifts, he did not seem to understand the connection between our humorous conversations and the items that I had purchased. It probably just seemed like a bunch of random, tacky dollar-store junk. I found out later that despite my lack of skills in the gift-giving department, he was crazy about me. Within a week, I started dating this guy. Looking back on that birthday was embarrassing to say the least.
Because of my poor gift-buying skills, I started making high quality home-made gifts for friends and family. Some people appreciate these gifts immensely, but others do not. In the summer, I do a lot of canning using my own garden vegetables; at Christmas time, I make fancy chocolates and other treats. I like to make nice gifts for people I've just met, since it is difficult to put a price on these types of gifts. When I am unsure what dollar amount would be appropriate for a new friend, a home-made gift can be a good way to avoid that issue altogether. Sometimes, however, it really backfires.
I have a new friend who has become very dear to me very quickly. We recently celebrated our first Christmas as friends. She and her husband came to our home for dinner, and we exchanged gifts. I had made them a nice basket full of goodiesI think it included candies, hand-dipped pretzels, homemade hot cocoa mix in a glass canister, and a small jar of home-canned jam. I also gave them a quart of home-canned apple sauce. I had originally planned to buy her a small gift in addition to the basket, but a few weeks before Christmas, she had mentioned how the holidays had gotten so hectic and commercialized, and that she bought gifts for family and few very special friends. Since we had met less than a year before, I did not know that I was considered a very special friend. I did not know whether or not she was going to give me a Christmas gift, but I wanted to make the basket of goodies for her, since she is so sweet. I did not want to set the gifting standard too high (not knowing what she was thinking), so I decided not to buy her a gift in addition to the basket of home-made gifts. Well, I certainly did not "out-gift" her! She had bought me several small but very thoughtful items including earrings, candle-holders, and a small purse, all with butterflies, which she knows I love. She even wrapped the gifts in a beautifully festive paisley gift bag, and included a small container of dark chocolate candies. In addition, her husband bought a DVD movie for my husband! I really liked the gifts she gave me, but I felt so small and inadequate. I had truly wanted to buy a few little gifts for her, but I thought the homemade gift alone would be more appropriate after our conversation.
As I write this, it is Valentine's Day night. My husband is out of town, so we will celebrate the holiday this weekend. I bought him some nice pants and some items that he needs for work, along with some Valentine's Day candy. I will make him a card, write a caring note, and package the gifts up nicely. Somehow, though, I know that it will not convey the sentiments that I wish to convey. I mean, pants? Why would I buy gray corduroy pants and some candy with cheesy sayings on it, to celebrate lifelong commitment to the man I love? I do not even know how to buy appropriate gifts for my lifelong partner, the person who is closest to me. How could I possibly buy the right gifts for people I've just met?
I can think of many more examples of gift-buying occasions that have left me feeling empty and misunderstood. I won't bore you with any more details. However, I have learned that there are countless ways to show affection, other than giving gifts. For years, I beat myself up, thinking that there was something seriously wrong with me. Although I'm trying to get better at gifting, I now realize that I demonstrate love and friendship in other (equally meaningful) ways.
I hope you can learn a little from my mistakes. If you really mess up, apologize and make a humorous or caring comment, whatever suits the moment. When worse comes to worse, offer to refinish your friends' furniture, play a violin solo, or make them quilts and curtains.
Just kidding, of course!
