ALT-13 Secrets to Enjoying Family Holidays
Bah! Humbug! Famous last words of my cranky, ill-tempered and least admired relative. You know, the perpetual hemorrhoids of the holiday season? Every family has one and every year they're a disaster waiting to happen.
As the holiday ritual lingers on, you begin to contemplate slitting your wrists with a dirty plastic fork and realize your Glade Air Freshener quit competing with Cousin Harry's flatulence. Your dog is in a drunken stupor because Uncle Marvin didn't want to drink alone, and Aunt Lulu, who needlessly forgot to take her psyche medication, has her fingers in a half-filled gravy boat looking for a concealed microphone. Years to come these antics will make great eulogies at their funerals, but while enduring their mortality, we ponder whether there was a shortage of chlorine in the family gene pool or if the doctor slapped the wrong end of baby.
In the movie, "Stewart Little," Snowbell concedes, "He's family." Which is why we subject ourselves to the likes of obnoxious uncles, hypochondriac cousins and alcoholic in-laws, who have raked havoc on family gatherings for years while thoroughly enjoying themselves at the expense of everyone else. Whoever said that blood is thicker than water, never had relatives that had you begging for a blood transfusion.
Ask them to contribute to the family meal and they'll bring enough beer for themselves and a doggie bag for the leftovers. They're the ones you're children will always remember and unless you don't want the kids to serenade you with armpit toots during grace, take the time to create a plan of strategy that will be the talk of the family for years to come. Here are a few ideas than can make the holidays more enjoyable without having to spend them in a padded cell or being convicted of assault and battery.
1. Leave town. We all need a breather and you'll save money on air freshener.
2. Inform your socially-challenged family member(s) that next year's gathering will be at their house and offer to bring the beer.
3. Announce that you are planning on deep frying a turkey and look straight at your obnoxious relative.
4. Invite local Law Enforcement to the gathering.
5. Know the numbers for 9-1-1 and HAZMAT
6. Keep the bathroom well ventilated at all times.
7. Put Ambein in the cranky person's mashed potatoes.
8. Use dull utensils for place settings as a safety precaution.
9.Investigate whether the local Behavioral Health Center is having a holiday dinner and ask them if they have room for a few more.
10. Spend the holiday with people you love, your friends. Wayne Dyer says "It's God's way of apologizing for your family."
